Toxic Friendships

Several years ago Cal jokingly told me that if I lowered my expectations that I would never be disappointed.  I laughed when he said it and then reminded him that his new philosophy did not get him out of studying for his calculus test.  I thought a lot about his statement yesterday, not in relation to academics, but in my current experiences with friendships.  Lowering my expectations would definitely have helped me to endure toxic relationships, but instead after this past weekend, I decided that I would rather learn from these situations instead.

I realize that not all friendships last forever.  Drifting a part due to changes in environment, familial situations or a physical move definitely can put a stain on even the best of friends.  Having someone completely stop talking to you, avoid you at all costs and then leave you out of important moments in their lives unexpectedly, however, is a head scratcher.  Thinking of Cal's quote today, made me realize that it was not lowering expectations that I needed, but to view the situation more realistically.  Just as I didn't expect Cal to get a 100% on his calculus test when past performance showed that an 85% would be more than acceptable, I should have seen the signs of a toxic friendship long before I did.  The "friend" that now seemed to completely hate our family had treated us poorly before.   I felt from the first month of meeting her, that she would never be supportive of us and that more than likely we would end up on her gossip list.  Her toxic behavior spilled over into how her family treated the Heinisch family.  I had realized right away that she wasn't well liked by many of my true friends, but instead of ending the relationship, I limped along, encouraging my family and friends to be patient with her and her family even though it was clear that we should have ended this friendship long ago.  All I can now say is lesson learned and when Meg called yesterday to explain the frustrations with someone she had just met, I could use my experience to encourage her to move on.  I had learned that it is truly rare for a leopard to change its spots.  Thus, if she could see the warning signs already, it was best for her to get out of the friendship as soon as possible.

In stating the above, I realize that this is a lot harder with family.  When a family member stops communicating with you or changes the dynamics of your relationship it becomes extremely complicated. Those situations are more frustrating to me than any toxic friendship ever could be.  Avoiding family or ending a relationship hurts more than just the two people involved.  It causes hurt feelings that rarely can be repaired.  It crushes spirits and can cause familial divide.  This is especially  true when one of those involved doesn't take the time to just be honest with the other, let them know what the issues is or how it can be resolved.  Positive communication with one another is extremely important for all families to succeed, especially when the children grow and have families of their own.  It isn't always easy to be honest and open with one another, but it truly solves more problem than it creates.  I hope that the lessons that I have learned this week will be a positive influence on my children as they continue to grow in their own relationships with their friends and with one another.