"You're Not Sadness"

"Mom, you're not Sadness.  How did the Inside Out quiz name you as her?  Let me take it.  I had better be Disgust or this  . . .  oh, wait, now I see why you are Sadness.  The last question asks what would happen if someone read your biography, Mom.  You had to put cry, didn't you?  Now it makes sense."  

These words were spoken by Meg last night as she answered the Inside Out quiz to find out what character she was.  To her shock she was Joy.  It made sense to me as Meg is one of the most confident people I have ever met and is always laughing.  I could see, however, why she would rather be Disgust.  That character makes the movie even more enjoyable.

Meg talked a lot about the quiz today.  She still struggled with the fact that I was Sadness.  I don't, however.  My childhood was sad.  How could you lose a beloved brother and call you're childhood happy.  That would be a discredit to his memory.  It doesn't mean that there were never happy moments in my childhood or that we never laughed in the Musser home after Bunk died.  It's just that after August of 1977 there was always something missing.  There was always a piece of me that would never be repaired.  

I know that now and I knew that then.  From the moment I woke up that horrible morning I knew life would never be the same.  There was nothing that anyone could say or do, my childhood memories would always be a little tainted - the before Bunk and after Bunk times - and let's be honest my childhood memories with Bunk were a lot more fun.  The trip to Cincinnati, the pool in the backyard, the horseshoe games, the snow forts, listening outside his door when Little Rod was there, teasing him about girlfriends, hanging out at Granny and Paw Paws. . . those were eight great years of being a little sister.  

It changed one day and for many years I prayed that I would wake up and my life would be back to "normal."  As time went by, however, I came to understand that there was a new normal and a lot of that was clouded with sadness.  I didn't talk to very many people about Bunk.  We moved away and no one really knew him like I did.  My grandparents were the exception, however, and I loved listening to stories that they told about him, me and their memories.  

I also poured out my feelings to God.  Although we hadn't found a new church in Syracuse, it didn't stop me from believing or turning to him when I felt my lowest.  In high school I prayed the same prayer every night.  I asked God to find a solution and help me out of the sadness that clouded my thoughts.  Although I told him I would listen for his voice and tried to remain faithful, honestly, there were times that I doubted that even he could help me.  

Life changed for me in my early twenties.  I was at college and had a fun group of friends.  There were still moments of sadness, but it was getting better.  I thought if I just kept having fun then life would be great.  The kind of fun I was having, though, wasn't what God was calling me to do.  I knew that, but decided I just wouldn't listen for awhile.  Then one day I heard myself say, "I know exactly what type of guy I am looking for. I would love to meet someone just like Doug."  That is when the voice inside my head said why are you looking he's right there.  

I still can't believe that Doug and I have been together as long as we have (almost 25 years.)  I had so many trust issues to work through as I didn't believe that someone that you loved with all of your heart would stay.  Experience had taught me young to be wary.  Life can change on a dime and when it does it really hurts.  It's a pain no one wants to relive.  With Doug, however, I have learned that it is ok to love again.  

Through the birth of the Heinisch children I have also learned that the sadness does lessen.  When I see one of them give me a look that Bunk would have or walk the way he did or ask me questions about my relationship with him, I realize that Bunk may not be with us, but he is still ever present in my life.  He is a part of my story, my journey in life.  I am proud to say that my children do not recognize me as sadness, but realize why someone who only read my childhood memories would.  Today I am the wife who plans trips to Yellowstone and the mom that sings the wrong words to every pop song on the radio.  I love being that person and wouldn't change it for anything.  

Superman - Super Dad

Brett told me many years ago that he always thought of his Dad as Superman.  I have always agreed with him.  Doug may not be out saving the world, but he is the rock that the Heinisch family was built upon and has been there for all of us whenever and wherever we have needed him.  He doesn't just provide for our family, but is a important member of our everyday life.  From coaching to helping around the house to spending time with us Doug is always there.

Yesterday was a typical Sunday for our "Superman."  He was up early to make sure Cam and Meg were ready to serve at mass.  He filled in as lecter when Cal wasn't feeling well and ushered in his normal spot as well.  He came home, mowed the yard, stained the glider and fixed the screen door all in time to go with me to take Meg and Aaron to a movie in Goshen, so we could spend a quiet dinner together.

I appreciate Doug's strength and his work ethic and am very glad that he has passed it one to his children.  Today, however, was one for the books.  Doug called after lunch to say he was driving to Dr. Mulry's.  He had had strong pains in his side and just wasn't feeling right.  His body ached and he thought he should have it checked out.  I was shocked when he called as Doug only visits the doctor once a year for a check up, so I knew it must be something pretty painful to send him there.  Doug said that the pain had lessened as he was driving, but at first he wasn't even sure he could make it to Syracuse from Bristol.

He made it to the doctor, however, and once he described his symptoms they decided to take a urine sample.  Doug and I were both worried that it was appendicitis, but instead we were both shocked to learn that Doug passed a kidney stone on the drive home.  They were able to confirm it, scheduled an appointment for him in two weeks and sent him on his way.  Of course since it wasn't 2 o'clock yet, Doug decided to head on back to work.  He had a couple of items to finish and taking it easy the rest of the day never occurred to him.

For those of us who have passed a kidney stone this is incredible.  For those who haven't, be thankful you never have.  I realize that Doug isn't really Superman, but he definitely is Super Dad to the Heinisch family.

A Rough Week

Brett has been passionate about many things in his life, but none as much as his love of his country and the Catholic church.  Thus, this week has been a rough one for him.  It is not just the changes in society that have made him feel overwhelmed.  He is also struggling with the fact that he really loves his internship and isn't ready to give that up.  He doesn't know where life is leading him and isn't sure where to look.  

Brett is not alone in that struggle.  Most of us spend our early twenties searching for our own identity, finding out that we cannot always change the world and wondering what path we are on.  I have given Brett some words of encouragement and suggestions for what to do when he is feeling down as have several of his friends.  Ultimately, however, it is just going to take time and patience.  Time to learn and grow and the patience to find a path.  Brett will get there, I know, and hopefully he will come to see that the journey is what makes us who we are.  

The Working Man

Cal started working as a dishwasher about a month ago and it still amazes me that he likes it as well as he does.  Today he was thrilled to announce that he got a raise and now makes $9 an hour.  He also told us that his boss said that he has the best attitude of any dishwasher he has ever had.  He has shared numerous stories about his co-workers and the happenings in the kitchen.  I believe his favorite moment so far was when Just a Friend came on and the entire kitchen staff joined him in singing along.

We are thrilled that Cal has enjoyed his newfound position.  We didn't push him to get a job as we knew he would be busy with summer school, golf and tennis.  We are so glad that he decided to do this however.  He is learning a lot and having fun along the way.  He is keeping busy and hasn't had to ask us for money for quite awhile.  In face he has contributed greatly to his own gas fund and the good news is he hasn't run out of gas since May!

The Dunes

Meg left early this morning for a day at the Indiana Dunes with Preston.  He also invited Jared, Jacob and Cameron Gillum.  The hiked the dunes, flew kites, picnicked, used the mental detector, and swam.  Meg said that she had so much fun and was glad to be invited.  Preston's mom took some nice pictures of the group.  We were very happy that she went as well even though I was nervous because of the rip tides.  Meg enjoyed making fun of me for that, but she came home safe, so I didn't mind getting picked on.

Cam had a busy day as well.  He had tennis this afternoon in Warsaw.  They played matches and games against and with tennis players from Bremen's summer camp.  After tennis we came home to get ready for his slumber party.  I had promised him that he could have one if he made 500 points in AR this year.  He invited Chance, Braxton, Ryden and Evan.  I was worried at first as we had planned outside activities, but the weather did not cooperate.  Cam came up with a lot of great games for them to play downstairs and I bought prizes at Wal-Mart for them.  They ended up having an awesome time.  The cupcakes and Lil' Hugs were a big hit as well.  Jurassic Park was the movie of choice.  I could hear the dinosaurs roar all the way upstairs.

Shopping Spree

Meg asked to go shopping this summer before school starts.  We have a trip planned for the first week in August.  Today, however, we were able to go to Kohl's and Target before we went to 7 on 7.  Meg has lost weight since the last time she went shopping and grown a little taller.  Thus her size has changed.  She picked out some really cute shirts at Kohl's and found a new swimsuit at Target.

I always have fun taking Meg shopping.  She loves to go as much as I do.  She doesn't quite have my love of a good sale yet, but I know one day she probably will.  She did enjoy the fact that she got to use her debit card today so I could use my second coupon for $15 off.  It was a quick trip, but fun nevertheless.

A Day at the Lake

Today was Cam's reward day from 4th grade.  He had won this Day at the Lake in his classroom auction.  They were supposed to have it in early June, but the weather delayed it.  Today was cloudy, but no rain so they were able to have their celebration.  There were four boys and two girls.  Cade and Jared were two of the boys and Cam had a great time with them.

The group first went swimming with at the Syracuse Public Beach and then went to one of the teacher's family cottages for tubing and boating.  Cameron loved the tube they used.  He fell off once and learned to hold on for dear life.  He was sure he screamed the loudest, but said there was definitely a lot of screaming.  They stopped at the sandbar to swim before heading back to eat dinner.

Cam was very happy when I picked him up.  He had had a great time.  It was a nice way to end his time at Milford elementary.  I am glad that he won this reward.  He could finally see that sometimes "nice guys do finish first."