Grief Journey

 In all of the things that I have had to do as a parent, walking with Cameron along his journey of grief this year was by far the hardest.  I would never speak of his feelings as they are his to share, but from a mother's prospective it was tough.  I remember a little over a year ago when Cameron told me that Richard had been murdered, I instant thought, "Oh, no, this is going to be one tough summer."  I didn't realize that it would take much longer than that for Cameron to learn to move forward with Richard's memory without being overwhelmed with grief.

Last May I really thought that I was more prepared for helping Cameron with Richard's loss.  When Keshawn died during Meg's senior year, we were able to talk, cry and come up with ways to process the pain.  Although Cameron and I communicated daily, I couldn't help him like I could Meg.  He needed me to be there for him, but he needed someone else to help him comprehend the sadness that losing a best friend brings.

Cameron had spent so much time with Richard during his junior year that he had become a part of our daily conversations.  His stories always started with "Richard and I."  In fact he had said it so much that one time this year, he started to say "Richard and I" when he meant to say "Sam and I."  For a moment I had forgotten that Richard was gone.  I was ready to hear about their adventure of the day.  Instead my heart broke a little bit more for the two boys that had shared so much together during their junior year, sad that their time was only a memory now.

I learned early to listen to every story that Cameron had to tell.  I rarely cried in front of him as I didn't want him to stop telling me stories until he decided that he had had enough.  Thankfully, that has never happened.  I cried enough on my own that I realized that neither Cameron nor I could be the ones to take on the role as comforter to the Rios' family.  Cameron was absolutely shattered by Richard's death at first, and I needed to just be focused on him.  It did not help that I could not speak Spanish and Richard's mother did not speak English.  I was thankful that there were other moms in Cameron's friend group that could and that they reached out to Maria in support.  I was impressed when I saw Richard's family at graduation and at this week's open houses, including Cameron's.  I am not sure how I would have felt in the same situation.  It was nice to see them support Richard's friends.  I hope that they could see how much that the boys' friend group loved Richard.

Last September, was the most challenging times in my life as a mom.  I would never want to relive it and hope that it will be a long time before any of us have to endure such a situation again.  This spring Cameron and I were talking about the fall and how hard that it really was.  I said to him, "You know, I wasn't sure that either one of us were going to make it this far."  He looked at me and said, "Me, neither."  Thankfully, we both did.