Another Sleepless Night

I have fallen into a terrible sleeping pattern that I wish that I could break.  I fall asleep just fine, but after four hours, I wake up due to the pain in my neck, shoulders, and hips.  In the past I was able to grab an ice pack for the back of my neck and then sleep in my chair until Cameron got up for school.  It hasn’t been the best way to sleep, but as long as I got six hours total, I was fine for the rest of the day.

That has changed lately.  I still fall asleep quickly and wake up after four hours, but I haven’t been able to fall back asleep even with an ice pack and my chair.  The lack of sleep has left me exhausted and anxious.  Last night it was so bad that I finally just got up and worked on my to-do list.  I did get a lot done, but didn’t feel the greatest the rest of the day.

Doug came down to check on me at a little bit before 6 a.m.  He was worried that something was wrong.  I decided not to tell him that part of the issue this morning was that the shooting in Tennessee was weighing heavily on my mind, making it impossible to sleep.  Since Richard was killed, I have realized that mass shootings trigger a sadness in me that I really don’t like to think about on a daily basis.  The pain that the families and friends of those who died in yesterday’s Nashville shooting was only beginning.  I knew that they would have a long way to go before they could function again or talk about their loved ones without wrenching in pain.  Gun violence would have an all new meaning for them.  I try very hard not to think about Richard’s death and focus on his life instead.  Today, I just couldn’t put those sad memories surrounding the circumstance of his death out of my mind.  

Thankfully, Cameron did not react the same way that I did.  I would never speak of his journey with grief as it is his story to share.  I can say as an observer, I love that Richard is still an important part of Cameron’s life.  His death is not the mainstay of his memory of their time together on this Earth.  It has taken Cameron a lot of work to get to that point in his grief journey.  I know that not everyone can get there.  I hope that the loved ones of those killed in Nashville are able to do so one day.