I started off the day today just feeling sad. I spent a lot of time in quiet reflection and shed quite a few tears. As the day progressed my feelings of sorrow turned to anger. No matter what I did, I just couldn't stop being mad. It didn't help that yesterday there was a school shooting in Texas where a gunman killed 19 children and 2 teachers. There were so many posts on social media about it that I stopped looking at my phone early in the morning. I wanted to yell at those posting to stop making a political situation about something tragic. I didn't care which side of the fence they were on about gun laws, I just didn't want to hear it. I wanted to show them the face of gun violence and make them understand that it didn't matter what their opinion was, people were hurting and they needed to shut up.
I didn't say anything of those things in public, however. I would never post my opinion on FaceBook about such a sensitive topic. Instead I decided that I would just be angry. Cameron had told me so many times this year that he had learned that sometimes the best way to stop feeling sad or mad was to ride it out, feel the pain, and don't try to mask it. I did exactly what Cameron suggested and by the time Doug got home from work, I was able to express to him how I felt without crying.
Tonight at Richard's vigil, I talked briefly with Lora Rusel. I asked her how her day was and she said that she had spent it being angry. I felt terrible for her, but expressed that I was glad that someone else understood exactly how I was feeling without me having to explain it to them. I did feel a little better after the vigil and I know Cameron did too. What an awful experience this has been for so many people. I do not have a plan on how to stop the violence in the world except to pray that everyone suffering had as much support as the Bethany community has shown Richard's family and friends.
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