Breaking Point

I try not to write about Cameron's feelings on the loss of Richard.  It is his grief journey and I believe that he should be the one to share it when and if he wants to one day.  It is ever present in our home, however, some days more than others.  Going back to school without his friend has been sad.  That coupled with senior year woes and learning a new position at tennis have been a lot for Cameron to digest.  There have been more tears these past few weeks than usual.  

None of this is unexpected as we knew that this would be a challenge time for Cameron.  We also realize that Cameron's grief stemming from Richard's death will most likely ebb and flow for quite some time.  I have tried to be supportive at all times and listen whenever Cameron has needed to talk.  I have enjoyed all of the fun stories that he has to share and have appreciated the mementos of his friend that he has displayed in our home.   

Last night, however, I had reached my breaking point.  I told Cameron that I just wanted to fix this grief and I couldn't.  When he went to bed, I just sat down and cried.  I had focused so hard this summer on remembering Richard's life that I had pushed his death aside as it was just too painful to think about.  Last night, I thought about all that Cameron and his friends had had to deal with these past three months.  I thought about Richard's family and how their life had forever changed one Saturday afternoon.  Mostly, I thought about Richard and the last time I saw him.  The boys were having so much fun at our house, making plans for prom and the summer.  It was almost unbearable to remember.  When Doug's plane landed and I could finally tell him how I was feeling, all I could say was "broken."  I know that tomorrow will be better, but for now it just doesn't feel like it.