A Day Off

Yesterday, while Cameron was busy with his last day of school, Doug enjoyed a rare day off from work.  He was really looking forward to a break and in true Doug fashion spent it doing projects around the home.  We had talked about going to Saugatuck to celebrate our anniversary since we were in DeKalb last weekend.  After last weekends incident, however, we decided to stay closer to home in case Cameron needed us.  Thus, Doug thought it would be the perfect time to repaint the Bears room in the basement.  We picked out a cream color instead of the navy and orange that currently adorned the walls.  I was sad to see it go, but knew that it was an important change as we got ready to sell the house next summer.  Even with the painting project, we did make time to celebrate our 29 years together.  We had lunch at Rue 152 in Nappanee and exchanged gifts as well.  I loved my flamingo pillow and wallet while Doug enjoyed his chile chocolate, trail mix and Sam Cooke vinyl.

Meg and Nick also had a wonderful day off yesterday.  They spent it in San Dusky, Ohio with Alex and Rachel.  They took full advantage of the low crowds at Cedar Point.  The guys rode multiple roller coasters while the girls tried some of the more tame rides.  Meg's motion sickness was a little too much for some of the big coasters, but she still had a lot of fun.  They arrived here after midnight, exhausted but happy.

  

Last Day of Junior Year

At 3:30 this afternoon Cameron officially became a senior in high school.  Even though this was the actual end of the school year, it really ended for his class last Friday.  This week had been one of reflecting, gathering and grief.  Assignments were cancelled and letter grades stood where they were on the 20th.  For Cameron that meant another semester of all A's.  We were proud of him for his academic achievement and for making it through one of the toughest weeks of his young life.

Thankfully, Cameron had an evening full of plans to keep him busy.  His class gathered at the home of a classmates for a year end party.  Afterward, he went to Matthew's open house.  He and his friend group then spent the rest of the evening at Signature Lanes.  Riki was scheduled to leave for Paraguay tomorrow and they wanted to celebrate.  Cameron arrived home late.  He had had a lot of fun, but was extremely sad.  Riki, Richard and Cameron had spent a lot of time together this past semester.  It was always going to be hard for him to say goodbye to Riki, but Richard's death made it even more difficult.  I felt terrible for him, but knew that nothing that I could say would make it easier.  All I could do was pray for him and hope that a summer of golf and tennis would help to fill the void.  

Walking Down Memory Lane

Meg and I spent a good portion of today sorting through her room.  I know that we were both dreading the project as she still had quite a bit of items in her room from her childhood.  In the end, however, we had a lot of fun and accomplished way more than either of us thought that we would.  When we stopped for a break we realized that we had filled two tubs for the garage sale.  We also filled a tub to keep with her memory ones in the basement and got rid of a big bag of trash.  I loved looking through her dance costumes with her.  There were so many cute ones and Meg kept almost all of them.  She read her cards and letters from graduation bringing back so many memories.  She also found all of her photo albums, scrap books and even a binder of news paper clippings in which she had appeared in over the years.  We enjoyed looking through all of them.

While Meg and I were walking down memory lane today, I did have a little pang of nostalgia.  For a minute or two I wanted all of the Heinisch children back in our home, hanging out together, playing games, going trick or treating, just having fun.  It seemed all so much simpler then.  I quickly realized that it wasn't easier years ago.  It was a lot of work raising four children.  We had had struggles then, sadness, and tough times.  The difference between then and today was that we had survived those just like we would survive this current tragedy.  All of our experiences then as a family prepared us for today.  I was thankful for that, but didn't need to relive it.  I did enjoy looking at the memories, however.  As Cal told me when I texted everyone this picture, "The L stands for Love!"  He was totally correct.

So Much Anger

 I started off the day today just feeling sad.  I spent a lot of time in quiet reflection and shed quite a few tears.  As the day progressed my feelings of sorrow turned to anger.  No matter what I did, I just couldn't stop being mad.  It didn't help that yesterday there was a school shooting in Texas where a gunman killed 19 children and 2 teachers.  There were so many posts on social media about it that I stopped looking at my phone early in the morning.  I wanted to yell at those posting to stop making a political situation about something tragic.  I didn't care which side of the fence they were on about gun laws, I just didn't want to hear it.  I wanted to show them the face of gun violence and make them understand that it didn't matter what their opinion was, people were hurting and they needed to shut up.  

I didn't say anything of those things in public, however.  I would never post my opinion on FaceBook about such a sensitive topic.  Instead I decided that I would just be angry.  Cameron had told me so many times this year that he had learned that sometimes the best way to stop feeling sad or mad was to ride it out, feel the pain, and don't try to mask it.  I did exactly what Cameron suggested and by the time Doug got home from work, I was able to express to him how I felt without crying.  

Tonight at Richard's vigil, I talked briefly with Lora Rusel.  I asked her how her day was and she said that she had spent it being angry.  I felt terrible for her, but expressed that I was glad that someone else understood exactly how I was feeling without me having to explain it to them.  I did feel a little better after the vigil and I know Cameron did too.  What an awful experience this has been for so many people.  I do not have a plan on how to stop the violence in the world except to pray that everyone suffering had as much support as the Bethany community has shown Richard's family and friends.  

An Impressive Round

Last night Jon contacted Cameron to ask him if he wanted to play in tonight's match at Heron Creek against Lakeland.  Cameron never considered not playing, but asked me what I thought.  We both agreed that it was important to participate not only for his mental health, but for the commitment that he had made to the team.  Cameron said that he fully expected to shot a 50+, but did want to be there.  Jon decided that the best way to take the pressure off of Cameron was to have him play in the 3 spot tonight.  He also paired him with Evan.  The senior's personality matched the situation that Cameron found himself in perfectly and we were incredibly happy that Jon made this switch.

This morning when Cameron got up he told me that he didn't want anyone to go to his match.  He just wasn't up for a gallery.  I asked him if maybe one or two people could go, just in case he needed someone.  Before he left for school he had changed his mind.  He instead wanted everyone to go - Grandma, Grandpa, Meg, Doug and I.  We were glad to hear that and agreed to be there in time for his 5 p.m. tee time.  

None of us had any expectations for Cameron tonight.  His coach really thought that Cameron would have a career round.  I could totally see that, but I also was prepared for him to exit the round early in tears.  I was very glad to see that he was playing with Tommy Curtis.  He had known him for years through the junior circuit.  Tommy, much like Cameron, was a good golfer, but also liked to enjoy his round socially.  That took a lot of pressure off of Cameron.  

In the end, Jon was right.  Cameron had his best nine hole round of the season, shooting a 37.  He played incredibly well and finished with an impressive approach shot over several trees on the last hole setting himself up for a birdie.  He wore his Sprite socks which matched the Fanta ones he gave Richard last October.  He also marked all of his golf balls with "Rios."  He told me that he knew if he missed his birdie putt on the last hole that Richard would never forgive him.  I think Richard would have been ok with it, but was glad that he didn't let him down.  It was definitely an impressive round.  Overall, Cameron's score never really mattered to us, but we were glad that he found a little bit of happiness in this week of sorrow.  

One Tough Day

Meg and I headed to the Goshen College Cabin this morning.  Bethany had invited the entire junior class to gather there today.  Our family had offered to bring a dessert and I was thankful that Grandma Jane agreed to make brownies.  I definitely wasn't up for much of anything yesterday.  The Cabin was set up with activities as well as quiet places for students to gather or reflect alone.  Both of their class sponsors were in attendance as well as several other teachers and mentors.  Someone had even brought a service dog to help with the grieving process.  Meg and I talked to a couple of the adults and then spent time with Cameron.  We asked him about his morning and encouraged him to leave whenever he felt that he needed a break from the group setting.  He said that he planned to take off after lunch and maybe play golf or go back to school to look at the artwork that Richard made in their shared 3-D art class.

While Cameron was busy, Meg and I headed to the grocery store and then spent time working on her room.  I had talked to Cameron about making sure that he stayed at home tonight.  We really appreciated the Rusel's hosting the boys for the past two nights, but felt that everyone needed a break.  Cameron arrived at dinner time and showed us the artwork that he had found as well as some fun items that he had made for Richard over the past school year.  He had planned to stay in all night, but Jordan called and wanted him to meet them in Goshen.  

After he left, Gabrielle came over to visit with Meg for awhile.  They talked, laughed, played Just Dance and made Tik Toks.  It was nice to have some fun fellowship in our home this evening as it had been a very sad couple of days.  Cameron did arrive home later in the evening with plans to finally shower and rest.  Heartbreak does not begin to describe my feelings for him.  

Devastating News

Last night we arrived home a little after 8 p.m. from a fun day in DeKalb.  Doug ordered pizza and after dinner we taught Phil to play Ticket to Ride.  Meg spent her evening at Nick's visiting with his Grandma.  Cameron let us know that he needed a break from people and spent most of his night upstairs on the phone avoiding his last English assignment.  He did come down to check on us a couple of time to see how Uncle Phil was doing in the game or to let us know that he and Samuel were talking about going to Fort Wayne on Sunday.  

Shortly after 11 p.m., Cameron told Doug that he needed to talk to him.  I assumed that it was about his plans for the rest of the weekend, so Phil and I continued our discussion on the nationwide formula shortage and rising gas prices.  Doug returned to the conversation and I asked him what Cameron needed.  I wasn't prepared for what he said.  Cameron had told him that there had been a shooting Saturday afternoon in Goshen and the photo on the news was the Rios' home.  He also shared that Ethan had called Cameron to tell him that there were rumors that one of those killed was Richard.   I instantly called Meg to see if she had heard anything on social media.  Everything inside of me said that it couldn't be true.  I knew from experience with Keyshawn's car accident three years ago that there was a good chance that the information Cameron was receiving was accurate, but decided to be hopeful that there was a misunderstanding.  Shortly, after talking to Cameron, my phone rang.  When I saw that it was Avery's mom, my heart sank.  She confirmed our worst fears.  I broke the news to Cameron and we just sobbed.  Samuel's mom called next to make sure that Cameron knew what had happened and to let me know that they were going to the Rusel's.  She encouraged Cameron to get there as soon as he could.

The rest of the night was a blur with a lot of tears and questions.  Thankfully, Meg and Nick arrived right after I got off of the phone with Marissa.  Meg helped pack Cameron a bag for Avery's and Nick offered to drive him to Goshen.  They listened to Juice Wrld on the way while Cameron shared stories and tears.  Needless to say, no one got much sleep last night.

Today was a day of grief and support.  While Doug was taking Phil to the airport in South Bend, Meg and I drove over to the Rusel's.  Cameron wanted his van and we wanted to check on him.  We spent a half hour or so talking with him listening to Richard stories and crying.  He decided that he wanted a break and thought nine holes of golf with Austin would be the perfect way to spend the afternoon.  Meg then headed over to Nick's to spend time with his family.  

Doug and I met Cameron again in Goshen at 4 p.m. at Bethany.  The school invited all of the junior parents and students to gather together.  We received some more information about the status of Richard's sisters who had also been injured in the shooting.  We were also given a schedule for the events planned for the students of Bethany on Monday.  It was a somber meeting and afterward Doug and I decided to stay in Goshen, just in case Cameron needed us.

We did see Cameron one more time before the end of the night.  He was headed to Reisha's for awhile and then was going to spend the night at Avery's again.  The boys wanted to play Jackbox and tell Richard stories.  After Cameron left, I texted some of our friends and family members to let them know what had happened.  They instantly offered prayers for Cameron, his friends and the Rios' family.  

I was absolutely drained by the end of the night. I spent the rest of the evening enjoying all of the pictures that we had on our camera roll of Cameron, Richard and their friend group.  I especially appreciated the fun one that Cameron and Richard had just posted on Instagram on Friday.  I thought of all of the times that I had heard from Cameron this year, "Hey Mom, Richard and I . . ."  I hoped that would never stop.