Now that Meg is married and Brett has become engaged, I have thought a lot about them joining a new family. Meg changed her last name to Yoder, which at first seemed strange, but definitely made sense. I loved becoming a Heinisch. It wasn't about being a member of another family, but more about becoming a family with Doug. It was the greatest decision that I could make as we loved creating a family together.
In becoming parents, we looked to what we saw around us and modeled what we thought was best. Just like most young couples, that meant blending our families' parenting styles to create our own unique way of parenting. The majority of time it worked well, but there were still some rough spots. Cal and Meg have told us that we were way too soft on Cameron, but sometimes I think that all of the experience that we gained with the other three made parenting him easier. Cameron would say that he was just way better behaved. True to his personality Brett sides with none of them. No matter who is correct, the one thing in life that I am most proud of is raising my children. They are not perfect, but they are self-sufficient, happy and successful.
Over the years, Doug's dad had told me that he could have "taken parenting lessons from us." It was a nice compliment, but always made me feel uncomfortable. It wasn't what he said, it was the fact that I couldn't be honest with him. If my dad had said that I would have told him what I thought he did well as a father and what he could do to continue to support me as an adult. He may have debated my opinion, but I know that he would have at least listened to what I had to say. I didn't know Doug's dad well enough to be honest, and I really didn't think that he would listen to me.
During the last couple of years, I have regretted that I didn't take the time to say something long ago. It may have made it easier to express my opinion now and be brutally honest. Yesterday, when Aunt Jan asked me how Doug's new job was going and told me that she had been thinking about him all week, I realized that Doug's dad had never contacted him once about it. He knew that Doug had really been struggling with the hours of his job at Champion and the stress that it was causing him. For a while, he seemed to be concerned. He even offered to help Doug if he had to take a job that paid less. He sent him a letter saying that financial help would be given. It would come out of his inheritance and wouldn't be a loan. When Doug asked him about it after he got a new job, he changed the parameters. It became a loan with interest and if it happened, his dad would no longer be able to give a yearly gift to Doug's brothers. Thankfully, I was able to refigure our budget and Doug was able to decline the help for now. Doug didn't want a loan or to take away from his siblings. He just thought that his dad wanted to help him out of concern for his well-being.
I thought a lot about Doug's situation and was glad that we had chosen a different path with our children. We dedicated our lives to helping them, first while we were raising them and now with emotional support when needed. That support has no limits, no judgements and no questions asked. Even if we can't pay for their expenses anymore, we can help them look for a new job, listen to their problems, share in their joys, hold their hands when their heart is breaking and provide advice when asked.
The last time I talked to Doug's dad, he told me that he wished that his boys were advocates for him like his cousins were for their parents. I didn't know what to say at the time, but I now realize that relationships with adult children start well before they leave the home. When Cameron graduated from Bethany, I told our children that they now were old enough to make their own choices on the type of relationship that they had with their parents, grandparents and siblings. I am so proud of the fact that they have remained close to the family members that were the most involved in their lives when they were growing up. I also love that we hear from all of them multiple times a week. It took a lot of work to raise them, but well worth the rewards they give us. I wouldn't have it any other way.
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