These words were spoken by Meg last night as she answered the Inside Out quiz to find out what character she was. To her shock she was Joy. It made sense to me as Meg is one of the most confident people I have ever met and is always laughing. I could see, however, why she would rather be Disgust. That character makes the movie even more enjoyable.
Meg talked a lot about the quiz today. She still struggled with the fact that I was Sadness. I don't, however. My childhood was sad. How could you lose a beloved brother and call you're childhood happy. That would be a discredit to his memory. It doesn't mean that there were never happy moments in my childhood or that we never laughed in the Musser home after Bunk died. It's just that after August of 1977 there was always something missing. There was always a piece of me that would never be repaired.
I know that now and I knew that then. From the moment I woke up that horrible morning I knew life would never be the same. There was nothing that anyone could say or do, my childhood memories would always be a little tainted - the before Bunk and after Bunk times - and let's be honest my childhood memories with Bunk were a lot more fun. The trip to Cincinnati, the pool in the backyard, the horseshoe games, the snow forts, listening outside his door when Little Rod was there, teasing him about girlfriends, hanging out at Granny and Paw Paws. . . those were eight great years of being a little sister.
It changed one day and for many years I prayed that I would wake up and my life would be back to "normal." As time went by, however, I came to understand that there was a new normal and a lot of that was clouded with sadness. I didn't talk to very many people about Bunk. We moved away and no one really knew him like I did. My grandparents were the exception, however, and I loved listening to stories that they told about him, me and their memories.
I also poured out my feelings to God. Although we hadn't found a new church in Syracuse, it didn't stop me from believing or turning to him when I felt my lowest. In high school I prayed the same prayer every night. I asked God to find a solution and help me out of the sadness that clouded my thoughts. Although I told him I would listen for his voice and tried to remain faithful, honestly, there were times that I doubted that even he could help me.
Life changed for me in my early twenties. I was at college and had a fun group of friends. There were still moments of sadness, but it was getting better. I thought if I just kept having fun then life would be great. The kind of fun I was having, though, wasn't what God was calling me to do. I knew that, but decided I just wouldn't listen for awhile. Then one day I heard myself say, "I know exactly what type of guy I am looking for. I would love to meet someone just like Doug." That is when the voice inside my head said why are you looking he's right there.
I still can't believe that Doug and I have been together as long as we have (almost 25 years.) I had so many trust issues to work through as I didn't believe that someone that you loved with all of your heart would stay. Experience had taught me young to be wary. Life can change on a dime and when it does it really hurts. It's a pain no one wants to relive. With Doug, however, I have learned that it is ok to love again.
Through the birth of the Heinisch children I have also learned that the sadness does lessen. When I see one of them give me a look that Bunk would have or walk the way he did or ask me questions about my relationship with him, I realize that Bunk may not be with us, but he is still ever present in my life. He is a part of my story, my journey in life. I am proud to say that my children do not recognize me as sadness, but realize why someone who only read my childhood memories would. Today I am the wife who plans trips to Yellowstone and the mom that sings the wrong words to every pop song on the radio. I love being that person and wouldn't change it for anything.
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